Do you know how I managed to pass my o'level? I read my mum's diary. I know I'm not suppose to...but reading it (even if she doesn't write simplified chinese...) and getting to know her hopes, dreams and, well, feelings. I felt so inspired to make her proud. I still am, I keep driving myself to do better and make my parents proud of me. They are not talkative or full or praise really, and I have always craved that real open feeling from them; maybe that's what's driving me. Somehow, my parents are human, they're awesome people and I couldn't ask for better parents like them...but I wish they were more humane in expressing themselves. In all my...20 or so years of life, the words I've always wanted to hear is, "mum and dad are so proud of you." Really, I don't need the three letter words because their actions tell me everything.

I remembered I was so stressed up about maths that I told myself if I open that slip of paper and I did not pass, I would jump right off my block.

I think I am still traumatized by that period of time, all that 8am to 8pm studying with friends and myself, locking up in my room and looking through my homework, wondering if I really can cram all these stuff inside my head. I mean, will my gray cells explode from overstuffing?

But really, thank God that I made it through. Otherwise, I wouldn't be writing this at all. I think if I ever made that decision to end everything, I would be disappointing my parents and myself.

You know how terrible it is when you can't think of anyone that loves you when the night gets too long?

It's paranoia.

It's really insanity.

And I'm battling that everyday.

Well, on days I'm not too tired that I fell asleep once my head touches my pillow. Maybe that's why I'm so medicated.

Now that I am older, have I become more stupid? I find myself making too much impulsive decisions. One day my hair is freaking short- just to my earlobes. Now, my hair is down to my waist. Waist horh, not hips. What's up with this? But I feel the shorter my hair, the smaller my self-confidence. So now I can sashay and flick this long human hair of God knows whose around and try to feel pretty.

Geez, I've never had hair this long. It's damn heavy.

As my power to spend grows, has my head gone somewhere else? But you know, youth is just once and there's so much I want to see. I keep telling myself I have to save but I guess having a savings plan and looking for an investment plan has gotten me pretty arrogant about my spending power.

Someone please knock me back to reality.

But then, a girl can dream right?